Handsome man???? It's just Bad Manners

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Ignorance is bliss.

When we first come to Thailand, we are blissfully unaware of what is going on "language wise" right  under our noses.  Lots of friendly sounding chatter and smiles.... must be saying the most wonderful things about me... surely?

Time is a great leveller and the more Thai you understand, the less you realise you actually knew about the people and their ways.  One of the first words we learn and hear everywhere is Falang, and we are surprised just how often they use this word in open conversation right under our noses.  But we still think it must be complimentary as it is said so beautifully.

For non expats. Falang is Guava and is also their word for white people.  A very white fruit looks like a big lumpy apple.  It is hard, woody in texture has no taste and is only edible by dipping it in chili powder and sugar.  So, we are very white.... and need dipping in chili and sugar!

Over the years I've heard staff in shops and restaurants comment on our looks, clothing, smell, spending habits and if, as I do, you travel alone and have no girlfriend in sight, they often just assume (out loud) that you are gay.  Most of this is done without the ill intent or rudeness that would be the case back home and is just a normal, acceptable level of small talk.  Even when they realise you understood what they just said right in your face, it is smiled away and life goes on.

For whatever reason,  I was in a restaurant in Phuket with my wife ordering pizza and trying to explain to her what olives were.  The waitress came over to help and they started chatting away, as you do in middle to high class restaurants.  Where you from, what about your family, babies etc.  I must explain I love this friendly behaviour and smile that they continue in their ways however bad or tasteless the classy/posh uniforms they are forced into may be.

So during the chit chat, they behaved as if I never existed and the conversation moved, inevitably to me.  Once it was established that we were husband and wife, where we met, where I was from, what work I did.- I was a diver back then so this must be pre 2004 -  I was then subjected to the following ego shattering conversation.

"Not Handsome is he?

"No" said the missus, sticking up for me!

"Is he rich?"

"No"  - I bloody well am matey, I just don't tell you about it... oooops.

"oh!  what you doing (with him).  Does he have a good heart?"

"Yes, he is good heart... what is an olive?"

Now, I can understand that the waitress could think the conversation was beyond me, but the wife knew full well that I was aware of what they were saying, but still did not bat an eyelid.  I have thought this through many times down the years.  Not because they had openly called me "not handsome" - they were wrong about this anyway, so I was not worried - but that they would openly do this and not flinch at all even when I chipped in, in Thai, that I was not only handsome, but now hungry as well, if they didn't mind.

This is still a reminder that we are culturally very different and always will be.  I do love this difference and now I laugh along when I am in a lift and they are talking about how fat I am.  More recently I hear them marvelling about how good looking Tony (my son) is, and that how much he looks like me.  When I chip in that surely this makes me handsome as well, I am met with the most emphatic "NO!"  a fleeting look of shock, then gales of laughter.... Love it.... a big leveller.

Vive le difference!  I wouldn't ever seek to modify their chattering and am rarely offended by it.  It's a permanent reminder that I now live in the most amazing part of the world.  Drives many mad... but I love it.

Fat!  the very idea!.

I always loved all this.  Reminds me of drinking sprees in the Lake District in the late 70' and early 80's with my biker mates.  No heavy metal fests for me thank you.

Hey big Spender! Spend a little time in Lumpini

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Queues, even short ones, are never a welcome sight in a 7/11.  Don't know what the continued attraction for me is... perhaps I like salty snacks, twice-melted chocolate bars, bags of Lay's Cheese and Onion flavoured air or just watching the staff for signs of intelligent life.

Anyway, Einsteins special 711 theory of time in convenience stores states "where 2 bodies attempt a counter encounter at the same time, 4 checkouts are not adequate and time slows by 15% for each body regardless of mass (purchase)".  So, in Thailand we always have a careful look in and should there be more than one person near a till, we forget the purchase.

It's hard on young Tony and have had to explain to him that this is a constant.  EVEN if that all important Chup-a-Chup and chocolate microphone seem easily within reach, they would decompose beyond recognition before they were swiped by the scanner.

Lumpini 7/11 (not narrowed it down a lot I know) today, I was tempted in to pay for my Thai Ticket Major bus ticket.  There was one guy at the checkout (one of three checkouts) and one near the drinks.  However, my dream of being served before starving to death was dashed by this very well dressed tight arse.

"What is the smallest phone card I can buy"  he asked, 50baht was what they could manage.  Calls friend over and they debate this for a while before "can we put half on my phone and half on his?" Red rag to a bull and 7/11 staff love fiddling with phones and gadgets so they all tried to assist with this request.

Apparently what you do is put it all on one phone then transfer whatever amount to the other one.  This had me out the shop in 30 seconds flat and left them with yet another carton of Vitamilk to return to the shelf.  My wife gave me this vital information after I had calmed down and sworn on a copy of Monty Pythons life of Brian never to go in one again.

The 7/11 next to the shop eventually had a vacancy for a customer, so I went in and watched for 25 minutes as they tried to key in a 17 digit code that had been sent to my phone by Thai Ticket major.  17 bloody digits!

That's  14999451010410969 for posterity.  So thanks to a slow day in the world of pies I can tell you that with a world population of 7,000,300,000 they must have sold an average of 2,142,686 to each person to have a counter number that high.

But, I'll be back.  It's a friends wedding next week just North of Bangkok and that means a 5 day road trip.... which means we live of toasted sarnies and the only source of this delicacy on the motorways is 7/11.

Blog makeover, Typing lessons and incidental music

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Going to work the blog over and try and develop a theme to it.  I know it's a bit erratic, but I've never been any different and am too old to change that now.

One of the main threads running through my various lives is music.  I have musical memories attached to every event in my life, and like to make use of this.   I can't remember a time when I wasn't next to a radio whilst working and just hearing music can take me instantly to where I was at that time.

An album of late 70's music and I am back in Buxted Chicken factory singing along to the Rezillos, Clout (substitute), Greese (summer night and the theme tune).... tell me more, tell me more!   you get the idea and there will be more of this.  Would love any pics and memories/anecdotes from those days as my addled brain is only capable of partial recall.

The early 80's are a blur other than we were listening to a lot of Indie bands... basically what John Peel was playing to aleviate the tedious music that was often in the charts.  Tedious as it was though, it is good for jogging the memory.  As I get older, I am more tolerant of music I don't like, so long as it is giving me a good trip down memory lane.

First song springing to mind is Mental as anything, as this takes me to a key time in my life (relating to this blog) which is the year I learned to type.

Following a serious motorbike accident in 1984 (I think!) that left my leg in traction or pot for over 2 years an attempt was made to rehabilitate me.    When it was nearly mended, I was sent to Preston Rehabilitation Center at Pendle Hill Preston where we had no end of fun.

Whatever the PC word for it is now, back then it was for people with disabilities who needed training to get them back into the workforce.   It was great fun and we got just as pissed and were as rebellious as when I was a punk or biker... it was just that we went out on crutches, in wheelchairs, walked and looked "different" or had the odd limb missing etc.  This actually made us worse as nobody was likely to pick a fight with us in a pub and we were all soon onto this and got away with some outrageous behaviour..

My long hair, beard biker attire made a suitable first impression and it was decided that I could just about be trained to sit on a chair and stack boxes one on top of the other.  I enjoyed this no end until they realised I had written something intelligible and done some "Sums" right on the initial assessment form.  So half a day stacking boxes later, I was off to the computer section.

BUT... First, you have to learn to touchtype.  Bugger!   I went to night classes for 6 months, was the only bloke on it and the scruffiest bugger ever to have set foot in a typing class.  The typwriter was just that, an old fashioned mechanical one, with one key (sorry) difference.  Every key on it was white.... no letters, so we had no choice but to learn properly.  Stood me in good stead ever since, and if I want to re-visit that first year, I only have to listen to Mental as Anything and I am back.  Became an even better pool player as well, but thats another story.

So, be a tune a post from now on.    Taste, not too much perhaps as the memories are the thing here.

Olympic madness - Bangkok Facebook marathon ends.

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"I'll be watching more hours of Justin Bieber videos than Olympic events"..  I wrote!!

Who would have believed that this old cynic would have been caught up in the recent spectacle that was the Olympic games 2012 in London.   An event I had ignored totally and then only acknowledged with the above comment,  has now finished and left a gaping hole in my lives....  Thats the real life, my character the Pie Mans life (pieman?) and the recent life I seem to have acquired on facebook.

Biker, Career Local Government Officer and then my two travelling lives in France and Thailand have provided me with lots of good friends and chattereres.   I am lucky that I have been able to keep in touch more with these friends through the power of Facebook. A few participants from each life chat and cajole with me on a daily basis and it does ensure a broad subject base.

So, the Olympics started for me on facebook as I was not interested in any of the events.  I initially gravitated to negative comments about it, then once it was on, I swung entirely the other way and became it's biggest fan.  Friends from "The lak" helped it along, as they were in the UK (and Ireland!) for the event and one of them went armed with the latest I-Pad type device.  From humble beginnings we grew to an almost frantic series of "like", "share" and "follow" with the facebook globe button constantly flashing red with numbers well into double figures most mornings.   Mouse malfunctions and new equipment resulting in stray posts attached to wrong threads only added to the fun.  Some of these stray posts even picking up "Like"s in the frenzy.

I even had a spare oven timer next to my PC (the one with the working mouse) in the office upstairs.  I managed a bit of exercise running up and down the stairs to turn pies in the oven every 12 minutes.   Singed a sausage roll or two during hectic events like the arrival of Phyls Ploughmans lunch, but by and large... we got the posts and likes in with little serious collateral damage.

I experienced the Olympics rather than watched it and enjoyed the event as it gave me the opportunity to do what I enjoy most... talking and having a laugh with friends.  It did remind me a bit of Euro 96 and the world cup in 1998 where it was enjoyed far more in the fanzines and pubs than on the pitch.  The BBC later brought out "My Summer with Des" (Desmond Lynam) and it is now on top of my watch list.  It's on youtube in 10 minute segments.... best I can find so far.

The Olympics was pure fun, happened soley on facebook for me as I was in Bangkok alone for most of it and despite having a television, it was only ever on in the background. What I saw of it was also mostly mirror image as my lap top is on the dressing table and the television is behind me. I watched the Thai guys fight and it's only my first law of this blog "No negativity or knocking" that stops me commenting more on that.

We had great fun and most of it was spontaneous "had to be there" humour and in jokes, but none-the-less it was fantastic fun and I was sad to see it pass into history last night.  There were quite a few reminders there amongst the icons of the music world that we are not getting any younger.  Nice to see them all though and whilst a lot of it was not to my musical taste, I do tend to use music to evoke memories and to re-live happy times.  Sometimes this may mean resorting to to Abba, Saturday Night Fever and Percy Sledge.... Songs you do not hum outloud at Custom Motorbike Shows when you're a biker.

But... It's over now, the red globe has barely winked at me all morning.   The Olympic Facebook Marathon is past and today just a few stragglers catching up last night Facebook action and some of us trying to keep it going for a bit longer.   Like the real Marathon, it passed a lot of interesting places and beautiful areas and was as great to watch as to participate in....  Might need to change that last bit to reflect my current shape size and activity level!

I think a few of us will continue with this and will be honing our skills for any future events that crop up.  What I learned it that we can enjoy any event if we approach it from a positive and fun angle.  I'll really breath life into the blog, even if I have to make less pork pies every week.  Writing is becoming more and more important to me these days and a big all round thanks to everybody that participated.  It really was a Team GB (and Ireland) effort. Golds all round.

Justin Beiber.... who's he!

Alex Sayle saved my blog.

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Quiet day in the pie shop yesterday, hence the re-launch of the blog.  It's been a hard 4 months but not much to report other than the production and demolition of a few thousand pies.

During a particularly boring conversation the other day, I realised that not only was I not listening anymore, but that my responses were not proper words... merely noises intended to sound like I was listening.  In order to alleviate my boredom further I decided to see how few real words I could use for the rest of the day and resorted to grunts, hmms, aaahs and aye appens.

My love of comedy and music then combined to remind be of Alexie Sayles appearance on "The Young Ones" with the immortal track "Stupid Noises".  Of course I could not remember the lyrics and had to find the track on Youtube and that was it.  Been singing it ever since.

Sooooo, the blog.  This all made me realise that I had maybe given up the blog a bit too lightly and could get away with a few short posts to keep the interest going.   I had noticed that my facebook post count was going through the roof as I experienced (can't say watched as I didn't) the Olympics with my friends on-line.  I'd made a mental note to re-start the blog once I felt I was overdoing the FB anyway, as that amount of posts must surely mean a return of some creativity.

A lot of my postings on there were very raw ideas, set down in order to store them for later editing or re-working into other posts.  I note the blog is still getting plenty of hits and the other day I googled for "Wigan Kebab"  and my previous post came up number one, so it must be getting some attention, if only from the bots.  There are 53 partial post saved as drafts and I aim to release some of them soon.

Problem has been that I am unable to work enough comedy or interesting links into them due to being exhausted.  The idea now, let em go and hope the flow of creative juices increases.

So, thanks again to The Balowski family for all the laughs... sing along if you like.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Songkran

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I always feel like breaking into song when Songkran comes around.  This year is number 12 for me and I have never ever failed to be impressed with the total anarchy that prevails here.  Not for everyone and there are some hate the whole experience and shut themselves away for the week, head north or just get wet and complain about it.

Love it or hate it, it does not look like going away anytime soon and there are people book special holidays to be here at this time of the year.  Me and young Tony "The Pielet" have been practicing and he really has his eye in now.  Got him with a snide one this morning just as he woke up as I know he is going to be hitting me all day... even when I am grumpy and on the phone, toilet or just baking bread.

Small as Bang Niang is, there are enough of us and enough bars and eateries to make a real go of it. There is a sizable roadblock planned and the shop opposite has set up a tent selling water guns, buckets and other Songkran paraphernalia.

Usual place for Songkran down the years for me, has been Pattaya.  But age has tempered my ability to drink party and waterfight for 4-6 days.  The one day suffices now and we enjoy this condensed version of in non-the-less.

Pics to follow.

Tsunami . True faith in human nature....

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I've always liked people and can't think of anybody that I dislike or couldn't say something positive about.  It's the old Yorkshire adage "if you can't say owt nice, don't say owt at all" coming in.

Yesterday my abiding faith in the human race was rewarded with a fantastic display by the locals and  visitors in Bang Niang, Khao Lak... and I am sure this is true of all affected areas.

15:50 yesterday and Duang disturbs my afternoons "Only Fools and Horses".."Yuppy Love" as it happens, which is the episode where Rodney meets Casandra and Del boy falls through the bar in what is arguably the funniest moment from the entire series.  Pie tag here is that Trigger is only in the bar with Del as he has been barred from the Nags Head on suspicion of stealing a pork pie.

Quick click round twitter, I tend to follow Richard Barrow https://twitter.com/#!/RichardBarrow as he manages to find news articles and links that would pass me right by.  Seems the word from the massage shop was right (it usually is) and there has been an earthquake with a possible Tsunami on the way...... again!  I say again as we were here during the 2004 one and we really did not want to see another one close up.  So... on the instructions of my wife, we packed and left... orderly.

What I first noticed was how all the neighbours were checking on the elderly and making sure they could get clear.  Offers of lifts abounded, all car spaces were filled, motorcycles returned from "The Hill" time and time again.  Orderly and very considerately making sure everybody who wanted to get away, got away.   So it was, We drove from the shop, picking up two of the massage girls from across the street, few bottles of water, couple of fresh Chicken and Mushroom pies that had just come out, and we were off.

It's only 100 meters to the small road that leads to the back of Bang Niang, but traffic was building slowly and everybody was checking that the old lady had got out of the corner shop... She had, but people still checked. Onwards and upwards past the rear of the Patrol Boat that the previous Tsunami had deposited back in 2004, the sirens around it were wailing and messages were being imparted, but passing that point we were all pretty much assured of surival.   Few checks around, met up with friends and settled in for the evening.

So many people had climbed that hill, but what really struck home was the owners of the houses all had their doors open, drinks, ice, shelter from the torrential rain that hit us and televisions to catch the news.  There were no closed doors, just great friendly, concerned welcomes and offers of beds for the babies and toddlers... of which I have one.  Tony loves playing out in the rain as he is half falang and like me, loves the rain so we toughed it out.  Acutally enjoyed being cool for a change.

My brother in law had fled even further up the hill to really great height and it took some considerable puffing and panting to catch up with the 200-300 people who had gone to very high ground with him.  Turns out, this hill, offers views of the sea that were not available further down.  So, most had gone to watch for the event rather than in fear of a 200 meter high wave... which is what it would have taken to reach them.  

Just a few workmen's huts up there and rubber tappers..... Tin shacks... little more, but all with doors open, welcome smiles, water and ice buckets outside and the odd bottle of beer and whiskey.  All shared gladly and all full of children when the rains returned.  What people.

Thankfully, no wave materialised this time, and 4 hours later, be got the all clear and returned to our homes.  I have to say, the Police and Rescue services had done a fantastic job of guiding traffic and people to higher ground and it was all done calmly.  Flashing lights and sirens marked the small roads that led to the hill and they were manned in a very professional manner.

Can't say enough about people and I hope the mainstream media catch onto this rather than the handful of moaners that tend to hog the limelight at times like these.  They certainly keep a welcome in the hillside for us.

No pictures again.  I didn't even realise I had my camera with me.!!!!